“Calm Down Time” Instead of “Time Out”

“Go to your room young lady and think about what you’ve done!” Sound familiar? Maybe this statement was on repeat during your childhood, and maybe you’ve even resorted to saying something like this with your own children. What if I told you traditional time-out parenting methods such as this are ineffective compared to self-regulation focused methods?

If your goal of discipline goes beyond a singular moment of obedience and desires to transcend into shaping the core values and regulation capabilities of your child, then I encourage you to read on! Let’s take a look at how

adapting your discipline approach to integrate the latest scientific understandings of child development can transform not only your child’s behavior, but more importantly, your relationship with your child.

Why traditional time-out isn’t helpful…

1. It increases emotional distress and destructive behaviors
Being told to “go to your room and think about what you’ve done” serves as a magnifying glass on the bad behaviors and feelings we wish to eradicate. The more a child “focuses” on their negative emotion, the more that emotion grows. A child stewing in anger in an emotionally reactive state alone is the perfect recipe for destructive and manipulative behaviors.

2. It miscommunicates your belief about your child
When a child is sent to their room, the adult is telling them to go away and ultimately communicating to that the child, in their current state, is unwanted. While in our darkest hours, there may be a pinch of truth to this statement, I will argue for all of us that we ultimately believe our children are worthy of our love at all times- including the messiest and snarkiest of moments. Sending a child away for their transgression communicates they are not wanted, when really it is their behavior that is the culprit of our disdain. A child sitting alone in their pain often feels misunderstood, which will soon degenerate into a self-belief of inadequacy if not intervened.

3. It increases disconnection between child and caretaker Often a child’s misbehaviors are the result of a self-perceived injustice, and thus, are an attempt at redemption. To put it plainly, most children believe they have a valid reason for their behavior and are often yearning to feel validated in their anger by those they love most. Sending a child away in this state makes a child feel as though the adult doesn’t care about how they feel or what happened to them. When the child feels that their caretaker doesn’t understand or care about their feelings, it slowly tears away at the connection between the child and the adult. The child will, over time, adapt their understanding of their caregivers as people to hide problems from rather than a valuable resource in the face of an issue.

4. It doesn’t teach the child how to self-regulate This form of discipline focuses on teaching the child to be obedient, quiet, and to bury their feelings instead of dealing with them in a healthy way. While banishing a child to their room might solve the adult’s problem- annoyance, it ultimately entraps a child to dealing with their emotions alone. Regulation is a skill, not an inherent ability we are born with, and to figure out how to do this alone in one of the most immature states of development in one’s lifetime, the solutions created are often very destructive. Stewing on and burying feelings can lead to stronger, more explosive outbursts in the future because the person can’t effectively deal with the overwhelming and growing emotional distress. A child that was taught to go to the corner or sit down and be quiet, was not taught how to understand and regulate their emotional distress- which, I argue, should be the ultimate goal of discipline.

What to do instead… Calm Down Time

What is it?

Calm Down Time is an alternative, emotionally-attuned way to approach inappropriate behavior from a child. Calm Down Time refers to a period of time (usually the age of the child in minutes, so a 3 year old has 3 minutes; or until the child has calmed down) where the child is invited somewhere calming to practice their self-regulating behaviors alongside the guide of another (also known as co-regulation). This is not a punishment, but rather an opportunity for the child to decompress from their overwhelming emotions. Calm Down Time is different from time out in many ways- First, the adult recognizes and focuses on the distress of the child, and then invites the child to join in their calm, and finally gives the child power in assessing their readiness to move forward. For example, a child may be told “I know your upset, but hitting mommy is not okay. Take a big, deep breath with me. Good. Can you now say “sorry mommy” and listen, or do you need need more time?” At this point the child can decide, based on their emotional state, if they are calm enough to recognize their wrongdoing and say sorry or if they need some more time to calm down.

How does it work?

In this approach, the parent is an ally and guide for the child, and the child is a student, not an enemy. Through empathy, the caregiver connects to the child’s state of being and validates their experiences and feelings. Also, the caregiver practices a calm-down skill with the child, modeling emotional regulation and helping the child practice self-control. Finally, the caregiver respects the autonomy of the child and gives them a choice in how to proceed (presenting the child with two purposeful options). If the child has calmed down enough from the breathing exercise to recognize that they hurt someone and apologize, great! Your child has just practiced emotional regulation, learned about self-control, and was taught how to empathize with the person whose feelings they hurt. This allows their perspective to change and grow while they learned valuable skills for calming down and choosing better behaviors in future situations where they are upset. If the child decides they need to more time to calm down some more, that’s great too! They are learning to manage their own barometer of readiness.

How should it look?

During Calm Down Time, the child should have access materials that can help them express their emotions in a healthy way and decompress their built up tension. Sensory-engaging items, such as a soft blanket, softly-scented items, weighted plushies, visual items like water times, and malleable silicone-based objects are examples of items that can promote the process of self-soothing. For the more active child, having solo, quiet activities such as a coloring book with crayons, a book of mazes, or puzzles or Legos can help them to take the time necessary to relax while keeping their energetic bodies engaged. Your child may benefit from your presence- or knowledge that you can be present, during this time. Giving the child as much power as healthy is key, so asking them if they would like you quietly present by their side helps them to not only feel in control, but also connected.

From a new, calmer state of mind, they are able to process their emotions, better evaluate what they’ve done wrong, and calmly act on an appropriate solution. In order to assess their true readiness to move forward, asking the child to obey a simple request, such as “can you please apologize and pick up the toy?” This will not only help them transition back into the home environment, but will also help them to resolve the conflict that initiated the intense emotion and misbehavior. If they are remain in a state of refusal, this simply means they need more time to calm down and maybe more of your presence to help them feel heard.

Why does it help?

This approach is invaluable to your child’s development of self-regulation skills that will serve them for their entire life. Initially your child will learn to take a moment to breathe or color, and in years to come they will decide to take a walk or incorporate mindfulness activities in their daily schedule. Teaching a child Calm Down Time instead of mandating a “time out” reveals to them the power they have in controlling their emotions, bodies, and behaviors. They learn to breathe, get some distance from the situation, and do something calming to regulate their emotional and physical state. This will become an amazing skill that they will continue to utilize an adapt as they age.

Do you teach children emotional regulation skills and give them the opportunity to practice those skills when they need to?

From a child development perspective, it’s unreasonable to expect children to have skills that we haven’t taught them. Instead of punishing a child for not having, or not fully mastering these self-regulation skills, everyone (the adult and child) are better served by teaching the child these skills and allowing them the opportunity to practice them when they are upset.

When an adult is upset, you wouldn’t tell them to go stand in the corner, be quiet, and think about their overwhelming emotions. Because that would only make them more upset. Instead, you would tell them to walk it off, go relax by doing a calming activity, and revisit the situation later when they are calm.

One stance we have at Kinder Connection is that we cannot expect children to do things that adults themselves can’t do. At the end of the day, a child is a human just like us. So if an adult wouldn’t calm down by having a “time out”, we can’t expect it to work for a child. Instead, we have to shift our perspective on how we approach problematic behaviors from children- that misbehaviors are signs of a need to grow in their ability to regulate. Therefore, much like adults, the most effective solution and treatment is to teach them emotional regulation skills and help them practice those skills when they are upset.

Has this blog post helped you shift how you approach problematic behaviors of children? If you’ve gained a perspective shift or had success in implementing this skill, let us know down below! We’re rooting for you and your child!